Why do we ask why God would do/not do/allow/etc. something to happen? Do we really believe in a God that does things for us or does things to punish/teach us or does things for reasons we'll never know?
For me, that reduces what God is to some kind of abusive parent that I hope had a good day...
I believe that what God is, if that can be captured in words, transcends the day to day realities and hardships we deal with. I believe that life happens. The rain falls on the good and the evil. Many things happen for no discernible reason. Sickness, accidents, etc. Many things happen for identifiable reasons, preventable reasons. But things happen.
And the "why" isn't the question to be asking.
What if we said a prayer of thanks when these things happen? Being thankful for the presence of God that will always be with us and will guide us. Being thankful for the certainty that nothing -not death, not a diagnosis, not a breakup, not bankruptcy, not prison- nothing can ever separate us from that of which we are made... The love that is the very essence of God.
I think what makes a difference in times of tragedy and heartache is knowing you're not alone and feeling connected to the Source of hope. That's why I practice my faith, so I can continue to bring light to all the dark areas of fear in my life and I can begin to more fully trust in that oneness with the divine.
In those spaces of peace, I know that all is well, God is love, and I am perfect.
From the Christian tradition, this song "You are for me" has been very healing for me. What it has helped heal are all the ways I have been taught that God is against me/us.
Because I am human.
Because I am gay.
Because I have failed in so many ways.
Because I am afraid.
Because I will never be perfect.
Today, that is complete. That chapter is done. Today, I have total confidence that all that what we call God, is simply and completely Love... and that I am made up of that Love. I am worthy of Love. I am worthy to be Love.
Sometimes, I forget that chapter is closed and a new one has been written. That is why I practice my spirituality. It is why I sink into music. It is why I read spiritual teachers. It is why I write. It is why I participate in faith communities like MCC Austin, Unity Church of the Hills in Austin, and All God's Children Metropolitan Community Church here in Minneapolis. I know that what I find in moments of spiritual presence is vital to me. I know that I'm likely to not be able to simply stay in that presence all the time just because I want to.... that it will take some structure of some kind. And that is why I practice. I am remembering who I am and that the I AM remembers me.
I believe that every time we see conservative Christianity used as the impetus for behavior that is corporatist, elitist, mysogynist, homophobic, classist, and every other possible way we can divide humanity, that we will see more and more complete rejection of all organized religion. People whose faith is about more than subjugation of those who are different must become passionate about vocalizing their offense at having faith and spirituality used to manipulate and harm people. If humanity doesn't hear differently, we can not blame them for lumping all spiritual people in with fundamentalists. If faith and spirituality really makes a difference, then this really matters.
If you follow my blog, facebook, etc., you will notice that I no longer believe in much of what most people would say a Christian should believe.
I've let go of my attachment and certainty to believing the literal, black-and-white stories and tenets of the faith. The creation story. The flood. Sodom & Gomorrah. The virgin birth. Hell. The resurrection. These are some of things that I no longer believe literally happened and yet, I still find profound meaning and new views of God in many of these stories and teachings.
One of the things that I have let go of is the idea that God is somewhere far away, in the heavens, and if I pray/worship/live right/etc., then I might be able to persuade God to work in my life, to let me feel and know God's presence, and maybe, my prayers will be answered. That idea of God is now like a childish "Santa Clause in the sky" to me. I think it defames and degrades and limits who God is.
So, I don't pray anymore.
At least not in the old way I prayed. I don't ask for answers to prayer.
What I do instead is listen. I listen to the noise in my spirit. I listen to the fear. I listen to the anxiety, the worry. I listen to the striving and the stress. I listen to the loneliness. I listen. And usually in the space of that intentional, sacred listening, I begin to have compassion for my humanity. I begin to experience love and compassion for myself and in that moment, I am reminded that THIS... this love... is the very presence, the substance of God. It is the presence of that which I am made up of. And in the presence of that Love, the shadows and the noise just melt away and I am returned to that which I am.
That's my usual practice.
And I try to avoid teaching, prayers, mantras, and music that reinforces the "santa clause in the sky" beliefs. They are simply distasteful to me now.
However, every now and then, I will hear a song that blends these two worlds... my two worlds... the old literal world and the new Love world. I want to share a song with you now that dances between these worlds and has become one of my favorite prayer songs.
It's called, "I know you are for me" by Kari Jobe.
It reminds me that Love is for me, Love is with me and that ultimately, all there is is Love. I am never alone.
The thought that goes like, "Your life will start someday... you'll be fulfilled when... you'll make a difference when..." followed by the ever present "when you get your ducks in a row."
Who is the arbiter, the decider of whether or not I have my "ducks in a row?"
Who actually has their "ducks in a row?"
Only ducks. (Thanks, Adeline for this response to my question!)
Only ducks have their ducks in a row. And the occasional human, as the above picture shows, literally has his or her ducks in a row.
I am out to obliterate this notion that the future I want has to be put on hold for some reason. This idea kills off dreaming, creating, and the doing that it takes to actually fulfill on a new future.
And so now, I affirm that I am enough. I am ready. My future fulfilled begins now.
The key to authenticity is to be authentic about how or where you're not being authentic, or to tell the truth about what you're hiding/pretending/covering up.
What I say is:
"Spirituality is very important to me."
"I am going to become a pastor or go into some expression of full-time ministry."
"My relationship with God is very meaningful and fulfilling." (if I don't say that outright, it's in the subtext.)
"I want to create a world where Love Wins and where faith is the source of healing on the planet."
What's really going on is that while I may moments of a deep awareness of the Divine, moments where I'm incredibly clear on my purpose, moments where the presence of God is almost palpable... most of the time, I am
parched.
Most of the time, my spirituality and faith lives for me like a high school diploma. It's something I have, something I know, but it isn't impacting me moment by moment.
The journey I've been on has taken me from the evangelical, charismatic understanding of Christianity that I had from when I was about six years old until I was 22... to where I am today.
My old understanding of my faith:
There are so many things about this that are different for me now. This is from my point of view and nothing I say is "the Truth."
First, the idea of separation. Nothing separates us from God. If God can be separate from us, then God is not God. Before time, before creation and evolution, before matter, there was God. Everything that is, is from and made up of God. This myth and the stories we create to make sense of this myth are responsible for untold suffering... and, honestly, is probably the source of my sense of being "parched."
Eternal Death/Hell. No. Just no. A loving God can not be loving and then decide to punish non-believers by roasting them for eternity. God is love or God is not. But this creates a ton of problems. If there is no hell, then we don't really need Jesus to save us from hell. If Jesus isn't the savior, then who is He? Why Jesus? If Jesus isn't the savior and didn't die on the cross to save us from our sin, then why was He crucified? Did that even happen? Did the resurrection happen? Why?
As you can see, I have many, many questions. And I'm not really looking for answers. I'm definitely not looking to be told what to believe by a dogma, creed, or religion.
My best understanding of God is that God is Love. That's it. Everything else are stories, myths and traditions we create to, hopefully, convey that message. I would probably say that I am a christian universalist, a progressive christian, or simply a follower of Jesus.
This song, "God is not a man" captures much of what I believe about God with the following exceptions: The only pronoun the song uses to refer to God is "He." I don't believe we can box God in like that. Another major issue I have is with the progression of "catholics, protestants and terrorists." That downright pisses me off. For a song that's declaring "God loves everyone," maybe we could not promote Islamophobia? If it had simply said, muslims, jews and hindus, it would have been perfect.
All of that to say this. It was easier to feel "close" to God under my old faith paradigm. I knew I was doing everything right, and thus I knew God loved/blessed/called/protected me.
Now, there is nothing for me to do to earn God's love and presence. I already have it. The "work" that I have to do is to remember it. To meditate on the simplicity of Love. To surrender and heal the thoughts of fear and separation I have.
It's not really "harder" than the old model of faith, I am just recognizing that my capacity isn't as strong as I want it to be. That's all.
This song... River God... captures where it feels like I am right now.
