Parched.

"Authentic Spirituality"

The key to authenticity is to be authentic about how or where you're not being authentic, or to tell the truth about what you're hiding/pretending/covering up.

What I say is:

• "Spirituality is very important to me."
• "I am going to become a pastor or go into some expression of full-time ministry."
• "My relationship with God is very meaningful and fulfilling."  (if I don't say that outright, it's in the subtext.)
• "I want to create a world where Love Wins and where faith is the source of healing on the planet."

What's really going on is that while I may moments of a deep awareness of the Divine, moments where I'm incredibly clear on my purpose, moments where the presence of God is almost palpable... most of the time, I am

parched.

Most of the time, my spirituality and faith lives for me like a high school diploma.  It's something I have, something I know, but it isn't impacting me moment by moment.

The journey I've been on has taken me from the evangelical, charismatic understanding of Christianity that I had from when I was about six years old until I was 22... to where I am today.

My old understanding of my faith:

There are so many things about this that are different for me now.  This is from my point of view and nothing I say is "the Truth."

First, the idea of separation.  Nothing separates us from God.  If God can be separate from us, then God is not God.  Before time, before creation and evolution, before matter, there was God.  Everything that is, is from and made up of God.  This myth and the stories we create to make sense of this myth are responsible for untold suffering... and, honestly, is probably the source of my sense of being "parched."

Eternal Death/Hell.  No.  Just no.  A loving God can not be loving and then decide to punish non-believers by roasting them for eternity.  God is love or God is not.  But this creates a ton of problems.  If there is no hell, then we don't really need Jesus to save us from hell.  If Jesus isn't the savior, then who is He?  Why Jesus?  If Jesus isn't the savior and didn't die on the cross to save us from our sin, then why was He crucified?  Did that even happen?  Did the resurrection happen?  Why?

As you can see, I have many, many questions.  And I'm not really looking for answers.  I'm definitely not looking to be told what to believe by a dogma, creed, or religion.

My best understanding of God is that God is Love.  That's it.  Everything else are stories, myths and traditions we create to, hopefully, convey that message.  I would probably say that I am a christian universalist, a progressive christian, or simply a follower of Jesus.

This song, "God is not a man" captures much of what I believe about God with the following exceptions:  The only pronoun the song uses to refer to God is "He."  I don't believe we can box God in like that.  Another major issue I have is with the progression of "catholics, protestants and terrorists."  That downright pisses me off.  For a song that's declaring "God loves everyone," maybe we could not promote Islamophobia?  If it had simply said, muslims, jews and hindus, it would have been perfect.

All of that to say this.  It was easier to feel "close" to God under my old faith paradigm.  I knew I was doing everything right, and thus I knew God loved/blessed/called/protected me.

Now, there is nothing for me to do to earn God's love and presence.  I already have it.  The "work" that I have to do is to remember it.  To meditate on the simplicity of Love.  To surrender and heal the thoughts of fear and separation I have.

It's not really "harder" than the old model of faith, I am just recognizing that my capacity isn't as strong as I want it to be.  That's all.

This song... River God... captures where it feels like I am right now.

Parched.  Even though I am in the River.