If you follow my blog, facebook, etc., you will notice that I no longer believe in much of what most people would say a Christian should believe.
I've let go of my attachment and certainty to believing the literal, black-and-white stories and tenets of the faith. The creation story. The flood. Sodom & Gomorrah. The virgin birth. Hell. The resurrection. These are some of things that I no longer believe literally happened and yet, I still find profound meaning and new views of God in many of these stories and teachings.
One of the things that I have let go of is the idea that God is somewhere far away, in the heavens, and if I pray/worship/live right/etc., then I might be able to persuade God to work in my life, to let me feel and know God's presence, and maybe, my prayers will be answered. That idea of God is now like a childish "Santa Clause in the sky" to me. I think it defames and degrades and limits who God is.
So, I don't pray anymore.
At least not in the old way I prayed. I don't ask for answers to prayer.
What I do instead is listen. I listen to the noise in my spirit. I listen to the fear. I listen to the anxiety, the worry. I listen to the striving and the stress. I listen to the loneliness. I listen. And usually in the space of that intentional, sacred listening, I begin to have compassion for my humanity. I begin to experience love and compassion for myself and in that moment, I am reminded that THIS... this love... is the very presence, the substance of God. It is the presence of that which I am made up of. And in the presence of that Love, the shadows and the noise just melt away and I am returned to that which I am.
That's my usual practice.
And I try to avoid teaching, prayers, mantras, and music that reinforces the "santa clause in the sky" beliefs. They are simply distasteful to me now.
However, every now and then, I will hear a song that blends these two worlds... my two worlds... the old literal world and the new Love world. I want to share a song with you now that dances between these worlds and has become one of my favorite prayer songs.
It's called, "I know you are for me" by Kari Jobe.
It reminds me that Love is for me, Love is with me and that ultimately, all there is is Love. I am never alone.
The thought that goes like, "Your life will start someday... you'll be fulfilled when... you'll make a difference when..." followed by the ever present "when you get your ducks in a row."
Who is the arbiter, the decider of whether or not I have my "ducks in a row?"
Who actually has their "ducks in a row?"
Only ducks. (Thanks, Adeline for this response to my question!)
Only ducks have their ducks in a row. And the occasional human, as the above picture shows, literally has his or her ducks in a row.
I am out to obliterate this notion that the future I want has to be put on hold for some reason. This idea kills off dreaming, creating, and the doing that it takes to actually fulfill on a new future.
And so now, I affirm that I am enough. I am ready. My future fulfilled begins now.
The key to authenticity is to be authentic about how or where you're not being authentic, or to tell the truth about what you're hiding/pretending/covering up.
What I say is:
"Spirituality is very important to me."
"I am going to become a pastor or go into some expression of full-time ministry."
"My relationship with God is very meaningful and fulfilling." (if I don't say that outright, it's in the subtext.)
"I want to create a world where Love Wins and where faith is the source of healing on the planet."
What's really going on is that while I may moments of a deep awareness of the Divine, moments where I'm incredibly clear on my purpose, moments where the presence of God is almost palpable... most of the time, I am
parched.
Most of the time, my spirituality and faith lives for me like a high school diploma. It's something I have, something I know, but it isn't impacting me moment by moment.
The journey I've been on has taken me from the evangelical, charismatic understanding of Christianity that I had from when I was about six years old until I was 22... to where I am today.
My old understanding of my faith:
There are so many things about this that are different for me now. This is from my point of view and nothing I say is "the Truth."
First, the idea of separation. Nothing separates us from God. If God can be separate from us, then God is not God. Before time, before creation and evolution, before matter, there was God. Everything that is, is from and made up of God. This myth and the stories we create to make sense of this myth are responsible for untold suffering... and, honestly, is probably the source of my sense of being "parched."
Eternal Death/Hell. No. Just no. A loving God can not be loving and then decide to punish non-believers by roasting them for eternity. God is love or God is not. But this creates a ton of problems. If there is no hell, then we don't really need Jesus to save us from hell. If Jesus isn't the savior, then who is He? Why Jesus? If Jesus isn't the savior and didn't die on the cross to save us from our sin, then why was He crucified? Did that even happen? Did the resurrection happen? Why?
As you can see, I have many, many questions. And I'm not really looking for answers. I'm definitely not looking to be told what to believe by a dogma, creed, or religion.
My best understanding of God is that God is Love. That's it. Everything else are stories, myths and traditions we create to, hopefully, convey that message. I would probably say that I am a christian universalist, a progressive christian, or simply a follower of Jesus.
This song, "God is not a man" captures much of what I believe about God with the following exceptions: The only pronoun the song uses to refer to God is "He." I don't believe we can box God in like that. Another major issue I have is with the progression of "catholics, protestants and terrorists." That downright pisses me off. For a song that's declaring "God loves everyone," maybe we could not promote Islamophobia? If it had simply said, muslims, jews and hindus, it would have been perfect.
All of that to say this. It was easier to feel "close" to God under my old faith paradigm. I knew I was doing everything right, and thus I knew God loved/blessed/called/protected me.
Now, there is nothing for me to do to earn God's love and presence. I already have it. The "work" that I have to do is to remember it. To meditate on the simplicity of Love. To surrender and heal the thoughts of fear and separation I have.
It's not really "harder" than the old model of faith, I am just recognizing that my capacity isn't as strong as I want it to be. That's all.
This song... River God... captures where it feels like I am right now.
I don't know if it's because I'm the oldest of five kids. I don't know if it's because I've already been through these things. I don't know if it's because I'm particularly gifted with patience.
But.... wow.... I sure do have a tendency to take on way too much for the people I love. And it may not even be that I'm taking something on, but I sure as heck am stressing out about the situation(s).
I'm realizing that I can't want it more than they do.
Here are some the things I want for people. I want them:
-to have a great life
-to be responsible and secure financially
-to be around good people
-to be working towards future goals
-to be getting better as people
-to be happy and proud of themselves
-to make wise decisions
-to have fun, to travel, to play
-to do lucrative and fulfilling work
-to have great relationships
What happens when I "want it more" is that I do things for them that they should do for themselves. I bail them out when they need to experience the consequences. I let them get away with "murder" because they've had a hard life.
And that's on me. I'm getting something out of that... like not having to be the "bad guy." I get to be the savior, the rescuer, and eventually the martyr. (Look at how much I suffer to do all this for you.)
That's bogus. And it's over.
In the future, I will be your biggest fan. I will be a safe place to land if everything goes to hell. I will be your ally, your coach, or your drill sergeant.
You know the trite old saying, something like "if you don't learn history, then you're doomed to repeat it?"
I read a gay pastor's post this evening where he was sharing that there was some controversy over whether or not his church would officiate the funeral of a deceased porn star. He, thank god, declared they would certainly hold the funeral.
But the very idea that this would even be questioned is horrifically offensive in my opinion. It reeks of hypocrisy and judgement, like a porn star isn't worthy of a funeral because he wasn't a "good christian." Worse, if you can believe it, it points to how little we know of our own history.
On June 24th, 1973, the deadliest attack against LGBT people in United States history took place at a bar called the Upstairs Lounge in the French Quarter of New Orleans, Louisiana. The place was essentially firebombed and 32 people died, while many more were injured. The police response was terrible. The community response was terrible. Even the LGBT community responded poorly because everyone was so fearful and closeted, especially after such a violent attack.
The body of MCC Pastor Bill Larson
Rev. Troy Perry, founder of Metropolitan Community Churches, along with other MCC leaders, immediately came to New Orleans to help the grieving community and to bury the dead. The MCC church in New Orleans was actually held in the Upstairs Lounge and many of its members, including the pastor, died in that terrible fire.
After all that suffering and death, one of the greatest heartbreaks was yet to come. Rev. Troy tells the story of how every single church turned them away when they asked if they could hold funerals in their sanctuaries. No one wanted to be seen as giving approval to the people they were so certain were the worst of society and worthy of God's judgment.
Can you imagine that kind of rejection? Your pastor, your beloved friends, your lover's mom, all burned alive and not a single church would have their funeral out of some horrific judgmental hypocrisy.
Eventually three churches agreed that everyone should have a funeral, but all the rejection prior to that final gift of hospitality should never have happened.
And now we have predominantly LGBT church "struggling" with whether to have a funeral for a deceased gay porn actor.
And we wonder why people find offense in the message of the church.
I have a lot of reasons I think I *should* write and share my spiritual journey. Some reasons are altruistic, like I know that something I'm dealing with or something I may say could really make a difference for somebody. Some reasons are to make sure I'm creating something I can monetize in the future. But the reasons I can't get away from are the reasons are in the realm of "I just have to. For me." I have to express myself and I can't wait.
I so want to wait.
I want to wait for people to ask me to share. I want to wait until I feel like I have my life together. I want to wait until I feel really ready to be public about myself and my ideas. I want to wait until I have the Master of Divinity or whatever accreditation will prove that I really do have something to offer. I want to wait until my thoughts are fully formed so I don't put something out in the universe that is wrong/thoughtless/offensive.
But I'm not going to do that any longer. I'm not going to wait.
So this is your warning. I may be a mess. I may be uneducated about what I'm writing about. I may be heretical or just confused. I may rant. I may be way off base.
